What to Look for to Find Joy (Part 1 of 2)

Relationship Advice from Ecclesiastes

Relationship advice from the book of Ecclesiastes? Why not? If we're going to take a survey of all the various things in creation that are pointless and meaningless without God, we would inevitably come across the idea of relationships—specifically romantic relationships, finding somebody of the opposite sex and engaging in a mutually exclusive relationship, hopefully under marriage. This is something we should examine in the context of Ecclesiastes, which talks about how pointless everything is.

You have to keep in mind the context of the book itself. It's largely pessimistic, with a very negative attitude towards basically everything. As the kind of joke goes on our Friday evening services, Ecclesiastes is a fantastic lead-in to depression. The reason is that Solomon, the author, is trying to make an argument: everything without God is meaningless. There's really no point to it. Everything in creation, everything we experience in our lives, is pointless without God.

There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in all his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God, for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment?

— Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

There's the comparison, the whole interpretive key for the book of Ecclesiastes: apart from God, who can find enjoyment? Apart from God, who can even find food or drink or work enjoyable? It's only from the hand of God that you can experience life with enjoyment.

God is not opposed to you having enjoyment. God is not opposed to you enjoying things in creation. God is opposed to you enjoying anything apart from him. God provides his people with enjoyment through a relationship with him. Chapter 2 gave us the understanding of the entirety of the book.

When you have a book trying to show how pointless everything is apart from a relationship with God, you have to examine everything in all of its pointless glory. That's why Ecclesiastes is exceptionally pessimistic, very negative, very sad, very depressing—because that's Solomon's point. Once you understand the argument, you recognize everything he talks about as pointless, with the exception of a few inherently wrong categories. Everything morally neutral that is pointless outside of God would be purposeful with God.

If we're going to examine everything and see its pointlessness, we should turn our attention to the portion of Ecclesiastes that deals with how one person relates romantically to somebody of the opposite sex.

The Serious Issue with Relationships Apart from God

It's a very important issue. It could be something you are currently struggling with or something you could potentially struggle with in the future. One of the most important concepts we as Christians can do is equip ourselves to handle another area of life.

It's kind of bizarre that back in college at the undergraduate level, I attended a Bible class at a secular university. They were doing a very good job of training young people—not with anything true or accurate or meaningful, but with that kind of stuff nonetheless. It is very important and necessary for us to look at the very same things the world is educating young people with and to be educated ourselves from a biblical worldview.

Here's a startling understanding: sex belongs to the Christian worldview. That's our concept. It's something our God created and defines in the pages of holy Scripture. Physical intimacy is something God created in the context of creation, where he called everything good. Since he is the creator and it's an inherently Christian idea, God gets to define it in the parameters, limits, and regulations he chooses.

Solomon, in recognizing all the various things he could pursue, finds a very serious issue with the way people have relationships and experience romance. Keep in mind the context: the serious issue is romance or relationships outside of a relationship with God. Those are pointless. He's describing that to us.

We're interested in Ecclesiastes because of its effective way at breaking our worldview and rebuilding a Christian one. It's very important to understand the concepts related to relationships.

One of the worst things you could do is think you're automatically capable of having a good romantic relationship. Solomon just told us there is no such thing as a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. Man is basically always wicked apart from God, and even with God, you don't automatically flip a switch and live exactly as God wants.

If you think you on your own are fully capable of experiencing a relationship with the enjoyment God brings, you're setting yourself up for failure. This is why we do premarital counseling and teach on these subjects to a diverse age range—from middle school and high school to college age. It's important to establish the foundation for a good, meaningful relationship—not one where you're wasting time and engaging in what Solomon calls pointless.

If you don't have a biblical worldview about romantic relationships, you could be setting yourself up for unnecessary heartache. Don't think that if you get into a relationship, you're automatically going to have a good one—especially because our passage characterized blatantly bad relationships last week, and this week, relationships that aren't as blatantly bad.

You recognize that if somebody curses you or speaks badly about you, that's probably not the person you'll stay around. But what about a pleasant, enjoyable experience with somebody else?

Ecclesiastes, as much of a downer as it is, is a book concerned with joy, happiness, enjoying things, finding satisfaction. The main point is where we should find that satisfaction: with God. The purpose of our passage is how to find enjoyment and satisfaction in relationships—joy that comes from God, who is ultimately the source of joy in that relationship, not the relationship itself.

The point of our passage: what you should look for in order to find joy. There are certain things Solomon finds in human relationships and certain things he cannot find. Those are the subject of our points this evening.

1. Solomon Can't Find Wisdom

Solomon can't find wisdom. That's a strange statement about the wisest person. He talks about his failure to find wisdom:

All this I have tested by wisdom. I said, "I will be wise," but it was far from me. That which has been is far off and deep, very deep; who can find it?

— Ecclesiastes 7:23-24

Every time Solomon thought he was getting closer to wisdom, it was further away—like chasing an ever-receding wave. No matter how hard he tried, he was chasing after wind. It's an exceptional expression of doing something pointless.

In a context dealing with how people relate to one another—both the cruelty and the sinfulness in relationships—why does Solomon say he couldn't find wisdom? Wisdom is something gained through experiences. You come out the other end wiser than when you went in.

Solomon is saying he didn't get that from human relationships. He looked into the bad things people do and something enjoyable but sinful, and found absolutely no wisdom in any kind of human relationship apart from God.

Jesus brings out the significance in Matthew 18:3-4:

Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

— Matthew 18:3

Children have a state of innocency. They haven't gained the experiences of many kinds of human relationships. Their relationships are limited to parents, siblings, extended family, school friends. There's simplicity to it—a simple way of living. Be a child with respect to the world and its experiences, just like Jesus taught.

It is better to be like a child of the world than an adult of the world. So many people say, "Go out and experience all sorts of things." There's not a single thing from my sinful past I can look back on and say it shaped me positively. I don't want to be shaped by past sinful experiences. I want to be shaped by Jesus, the gospel, the cross. I want to be innocent in terms of godless experiences.

Solomon is saying there is nothing you gain from godless relationships. Jesus picks up on it: what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul? He couldn't find wisdom there.

2. Solomon Can't Find a Woman

Solomon can't find a woman. In the context of Ecclesiastes, he can't find one woman specifically. Recognizing Solomon's serial marriages and how bad they were—his 700 wives and 300 concubines led to polytheism, worship of other gods, the kingdom splitting, civil war, and the conquest of God's people.

When he says he can't find a woman, the significant reality is that there is only one specific person that should be sought for in romantic relationships.

I turned my heart to know and to search out and to seek wisdom and the scheme of things and to know the wickedness of folly and the foolishness that is madness.

— Ecclesiastes 7:25

After saying he can't find wisdom in relationships, he turns to see wickedness and foolishness in relationships. Couldn't find anything good, so let's look at enjoyment in wickedness—the opposite of wisdom.

I find something more bitter than death: the woman whose heart is snares and nets, and whose hands are fetters.

— Ecclesiastes 7:26

There is something in creation more bitter than death—the woman whose heart is snares and nets, whose hands are fetters. This isn't just a prostitute; it's a woman attempting to find enjoyment in physical romance through immorality. It doesn't say she adorns herself to attract; it's her heart (center of intellect, feelings, emotions) and hands (physical touch, not automatically sexual).

A woman who has an emotional connection and physical touch can be a prison. Hands can be used in non-sexual ways—handholding, emotional connections. In a romantic relationship, you might have to broaden your understanding of boundaries to avoid becoming ensnared in an immoral relationship.

If you think you're automatically capable of going into a relationship and being pure, you're in the most dangerous mindset. The New Testament says, he who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. Those who think they're okay and able to experience romantic relationships perfectly fine are most in danger.

Having a heartfelt connection with somebody of the opposite sex isn't necessarily wrong. We've established emotional connections with other Christians and people.