How to Want a Spouse, Part 2 (Part 1 of 2)

Review: Adopting a Selfish Spousal Attitude

If you recall, the main emphasis from this passage is to adopt a selfish spousal attitude. We should have an attitude that says, "my spouse—I want my spouse." So I'm selfish for my spouse. That's who I want specifically.

If I don't have a marriage relationship, the main response to this passage is to look forward with great expectation to the reality of somebody coming along—not who's going to be a phenomenal spouse for me necessarily, but who I can be a phenomenal spouse for.

Spend less time praying, "Lord, bring me a good spouse," and more time praying, "Lord, make me a good spouse." Make me somebody fully capable and adequately equipped to do these things for a spouse, either presently if married or someday in the future.

The world's attitude is to find somebody as an object and source of your own pleasure and satisfaction. That's why divorce rates are so high. But embracing the Christian attitude of "I want my spouse" so that I can glorify Christ means seeing the magnificence of these roles from verses 22 to 33.

Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

What must it be like to be a wife who submits to and respects her husband, glorifying Christ above her own temporary pleasures? What must it be like to be a husband, the sole representative of Jesus Christ in the marriage? When you embrace these attitudes, you can't help but say, "I want my spouse—I want somebody I can do these things for in marriage."

If you're already married but not fulfilling these roles, you're shooting your sights too low. You're settling for a subpar marriage when you could experience something transcendently valuable by fulfilling your own role, empowered by the Spirit.

Questions for Pursuing a Relationship

Ask yourself about someone of the opposite sex: Does this person demonstrate these qualities? Because if not, you're entering a relationship where you're stuck with them. Instead, focus on someone who fulfills these things—someone you're privileged to have.

For a woman: Would this guy love me the way Jesus loves me?

For a man: Would this girl follow me the way she follows Christ?

Examining Their Relationship with Jesus

Look at their current relationship with Jesus, the person they claim as Savior. Do they follow him? Submit to him? Care about his desires and commands?

From earlier in Ephesians: Do they put off the old self and put on the new? Do they hang out with Christians? "Be not deceived: bad company corrupts good morals." Are they influencing others for Christ, or being corrupted?

Are they filled with the Holy Spirit, not drunk with wine? Do they rely on substances for pleasure?

James 3:2
We all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.

Ladies, the "perfect man" from James 3:2 is out there—if men commit to controlling their speech, there would be a host to choose from. The decision would simplify to preference, not whether they're living rightly.

Do they rebel against authorities—parents, law enforcement, school, work?

Do they contribute to the church's spiritual well-being through ministry?

Ladies, does he exhibit giving himself up for others? Does he give up his time inexplicably for others? A man who can give up his time will give it up for you—like Christ, who says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Examine how he treats women in his life—mother, sister, sisters in Christ. If he treats them rudely but you specially, the real him will emerge in marriage. A man who controls his tongue provides safety and security, responding with the Savior on the throne, not sin in his heart.

For Men: Look for Resistance

Men, a woman who will submit completely in marriage shows resistance now. When restraints are lifted in dating—"now I can hold hands, cuddle, share an ice cream cone"—opportunities arise for marriage-only privileges without commitment.

Resistance proves beneficial; those things come naturally in marriage. You don't need sex education—those belong in the sacred context of marriage. Learn what pleases your spouse there, and have fun discovering it. That's what makes Christian marriage revolutionary and God-glorifying.

What we need infallible teaching for is how to behave as husband and wife spiritually and emotionally. Establish this foundation now, before marriage complications like finances, infertility, or tragedy. Ice cream cone licking doesn't help then—you need a firm foundation of biblical manhood and womanhood.

How much does she resist marriage-only activities? Holding hands or kissing may be fine, but understand your role as a Christian man or woman. When life gets real, how do you respond to the most important human in your life?

A woman with spiritual headship—father or godly church leaders—resists temptation like Eve should have under Adam's protection. She's created for a different, necessary role: strength, support, encouragement, freeing him to protect. Her submission to headship and God's Word shows she'll submit to you in marriage.

Women: Become Androphobic

Women demonstrating "I want my spouse" become androphobic—from Greek "andros" (husband) and "phobic" (fear, reverence, honor).

1 Peter 3:5
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything.

Christ-motivated, gospel-motivated submission to Jesus enables seeing her husband as valuable—respecting, esteeming, admiring him. Invest in what he values, his hobbies, abilities. Get excited in conversation about them, even if bizarre like medieval reenactment or gaming.

For Men: Represent Christ's Humility

Gentlemen, embracing "I want my wife" to love her and represent Christ excites with responsibility and privilege. But danger lurks: Don't be pre-incarnate Christ (equal to God, lording authority), miracle-worker Christ (astounding her), or debater Christ (arguing her into silence).

Represent suffering Christ: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Humility, willing to die for her betterment—even more enjoyment for her.

This doesn't mean sacrificing career goals—her submission aligns her with yours. But she gets all of you when upset. Break your back providing. She's most important—choose her over friends; she's now your best friend.

Sacrificial Leadership for Sanctification

You've given up certain concepts in your life as a means of sacrifice, especially turning off whatever filth you're watching if it bothers your wife. Sinful activities that you've repented of should especially now stay out of the home because your sacrifice for your wife means her sanctification.

Your leadership attitude isn't "I'm going to the movies tonight whether you want a date night or not" or "I'm spending time with the dudes whether you want time with me or not." Instead, value what she says and her opinion above the rest, most concerned about her sanctification.

A true biblical husband has one specific attitude that governs the rest: he is most concerned about his wife being holy. The true testimony of being a good husband and having a good marriage is that year after year, your wife is more holy than when you started. It's not a testimony if there's just peace or a lack of arguments—that's a marriage that isn't even trying. When two people pursue their roles, conflict arises, producing higher intimacy. Conflict in marriage is good; sinful responses to it are bad.

Measure your marriage's success year after year: your wife is more holy, looking more like Christ than when you began.

Ladies, as men represent Christ in leadership, you represent Christ in submission—the same submission Jesus has to the Father. Submission isn't lesser or inferior; it's Christlike.

Purification Through the Word

It looks like a firm foundation in the Word of God: sacrifice, sanctification, purification, and foundation. For sanctification, do whatever is necessary for her to be more holy.

Purification is based on this foundation from the Word, talking about a washing. Are you willing to commit to washing your wife in the Word of God? Do you know enough of it to pour it over her, surrounding and encapsulating her, even drowning her in the Word?

This is necessary as family leader when children arrive. It's grievous when a dad plays horrible video games or watches terrible movies, telling his son—who wants to be just like him—"go away." The child is conflicted, wanting to emulate and obey Dad, but Dad isn't concerned for his children's—or wife's—sanctification. That's failure.

It's valuing holiness and spotlessness. Jesus came to make His bride spotless. Your role as a man is to participate in that in your one-on-one relationship with your wife, part of His bride.

It doesn't have to mean organizing a Bible study—though that's one of the best things—but regardless of circumstances, your initial response is from Scripture. When taxes hit, respond biblically:

Romans 13 – Render to Caesar what is Caesar's. Pay the taxes not because Caesar deserves it, but because Christ and His apostles taught it, glorifying God through obedience.

Have a biblical response to your wife's reactions, attitudes, moods, hormones—everything God created in her. She's sensitive; that's good. Wash her with the Word.

It looks like protection, nourishment, valuing. No one harms or speaks ill against his own body—what we do to our wives, we do to ourselves.

A husband who knows the gospel, knows Christ, loves her as Christ loved the church and as he loves his own body. He cares for his body, keeps it clean and pure. A godly man does this spiritually. In marriage, he transfers that self-care to her, even to self-neglect, ensuring she's nourished and provided for.

The Ultimate Purpose of Marriage

Marriage isn't your happily ever after. The world sees it as Disney: fall in love, marry, end the story. But marriage isn't about you as the ultimate end; you're a tool for its purpose.

Genesis 2:31 (quoted in Ephesians) – "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound... I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

This mystery—hidden from Old Testament saints, revealed in Christ—shows marriage communicates something amazing about God. The Genesis account of Adam and Eve pointed to Christ and the church.

Let each love his wife as himself, and let the wife respect her husband. Marriage's ultimate goal is a visible demonstration of the gospel: Jesus's love and sacrifice for His church.

If we don't grasp this, we're dishonest about the gospel. Jesus's commitment to the church is never-ending. From the beginning, it wasn't meant to end. Christians redeem marriage with lifelong commitment because it's about God's glory and the gospel—not temporary fulfillment or propagation (though God designed that). Marriage demonstrates His Son's love for His bride.

The disciples' response in Matthew 19:10:

The disciples said to him, "If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry."

They later understood through the Spirit. Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 urges being like him—single for maturity and self-control—but defends marriage's value in 1 Corinthians 9.

Marriage's purpose isn't temporary happiness or staying in love. Staying married is about Christ's glory, gospel integrity, a transcendent relationship beyond feelings. True joy comes from prioritizing God's glory.