How to Want a Spouse, Part 1 (Part 1 of 2)

Ephesians 5:22-33 and Its Relevance to Singles

As I studied this passage, it seemed evident that it's addressing marriage directly. But what can we glean as a youth group, most of whom are far from marriage? No one here is secretly married—except my wife and me. So how do we approach this text?

Even if you're not married, this is valuable information for the future. The chances are high you'll marry someday. There's a primary way to examine Ephesians 5:22-33 that's applicable to both married and unmarried people—even those single for life, who can still encourage others biblically.

I once confronted a man who abused his wife. He dismissed me: "You're not married." I replied, "You're right—I don't understand any context where hurting your wife is okay." You don't need to be married to speak biblically about marriage. If you want a right understanding, know what God says.

Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

The Attitude: "I Want My Spouse"

This passage encourages every one of us to adopt a specific attitude toward marriage: I want my spouse. You might say, "But I don't have a spouse." That's the point. For singles, this teaches a crucial attitude: if you're interested in someone of the opposite sex, say, "I want my spouse."

This contrasts with the world's view. The world says find someone who makes you laugh, feel special, benefits you—it's selfish, you-centered. "Find Mr. Right" who fulfills your desires. Of course, making your spouse laugh or feel special isn't wrong—it's great. But if your primary motivation is self-fulfillment, the bar is set too low, like a Disney fairy tale where someone rescues you.

Scripture raises the bar exceedingly high. "I want my spouse" means you being Mr. or Mrs. Right—preparing yourself to fulfill your role. Women: "I want my spouse so I can be a godly wife." Men: "I want my spouse so I can be a loving protector like Christ." Your motivation in relationships is to glorify God, not personal fulfillment.

Glorifying God in Marriage

You know glory—it's the crowd's celebration when someone scores the winning touchdown, worthy of praise and admiration. That's what we live for: making God famous through the gospel.

Jesus died bearing God's wrath so you could enjoy eternal joy. Yet it's often mundane. True Christians celebrate Christ's glory above their own reputation. Date and marry to display that.

Ladies, Ephesians outlines how to be a godly wife—rejoice! Gentlemen, it's a template to be like Christ to your wife. Jesus pursued His bride from sin's mire. Say, "I want my spouse" to display that, glorifying God above all.

Singleness is fine if it frees you for kingdom work. But for romantic relationships, "I want my spouse" means "I want Christ's glory."

Evaluating Potential Spouses Biblically

Prior to marriage, seek someone you can fulfill your role for—and who will for you. Ladies: Is this guy someone who can love me like Christ? Guys: Will she follow me like she follows Christ?

Attraction matters—preferences are okay. Don't use "The Holy Spirit said no" as a scapegoat; just say you're not attracted.

Determine character by their relationship with Christ: affection, excitement, consistency? Do they worship beyond songs—in service, attitude, reading Scripture with esteem? Are they like the wide-eyed listener to God's words, not indifferent?

Are they putting off the old self, putting on the new?

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

From our context: Avoid drunkenness—it's resisting the Spirit, unattractive, shows lack of control.

James 3:2
We all stumble in many ways. But if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.

Do they pursue pointless activities that produce sin? Wasting time together won't glorify God. Enjoy rest, but find ways to glorify in it. Rebellion against authorities—parents, teachers, governments, institutions—isn't cool; submit unless it causes sin.

Do they contribute to the church's spiritual well-being through ministry? Saints equip saints. It could be simple: encouraging the downcast with the gospel. Do they think, "How can I contribute?"

Due Diligence Before Pursuing a Relationship

Are they creative and spiritual enough to think about how they can specifically minister within the church? As long as they're in submission to their leadership and not rocking against that local congregation, are they ministering to the people within the church? These are important things to keep in mind before diving headlong into a relationship, only to realize later that it's not going to work, leading to heartache.

Not to say heartache is always avoidable—someone can present as very spiritual and amazing, only to change dramatically later, requiring abandonment. But as Christians, we can do due diligence before engaging. We should scrutinize to the point that we might miss relationships others have, all because we've adopted the attitude: "I want my spouse. I'm not settling for less. I want somebody I can glorify the Lord with."

This applies even in marriage, with its exclusivity. You want your spouse to exhibit these things without seeking fulfillment outside the covenant, which would be idolatry and lead to disappointment. Asking these questions and doing the diligence is exceptionally important.

Questions for Ladies: Does He Give Himself Up for Others?

Ladies, does he exhibit qualities of giving himself up for the betterment of someone else? You meet a great guy and examine his life with the attitude, "I want my spouse—is this him?"

A key way to recognize this: Is he willing to sacrifice his time? You learn much about a man by how he spends it. Does he prefer video games over church night or Sunday morning? Sports over church or preaching the gospel at outreach?

True biblical manhood—a true biblical husband—is willing to halt his life to respond to you. If he drops what he's doing when you text or call, he's ready for marriage. In marriage, no matter his job or activity—even golfing with buddies—he prioritizes you. He reassures you: "Sweetheart, it's okay. We'll deal with this later." You're contactable, knowing he'll never leave or forsake you, representing Christ to His people.

Another way: How does he treat other sisters in Christ? Is he rude to women? Crucially, how does he treat his mother, around whom he's most comfortable? If he snaps, yells, or disregards her, he'll likely do the same to you.

Questions for Men: Does She Resist You Now?

Men, you meet a girl you're attracted to. One great way to know she'll respect and submit to you in marriage is if she resists you now—not snubbing you, but holding back physically or from following your lead prematurely.

If she's more concerned with submitting to her father, church eldership, or God's Word—and doesn't see you as spiritual head yet—that's fantastic. If she's in submission to Scripture now, she'll continue in marriage, loving Christ so much she esteems you as His picture, even when you're not perfect.

Your motivation in marriage isn't perfection but loving Christ: she respects you as Christ's image, whether you deserve it; he sacrifices as Christ's body.

Androphobic: The Fear and Reverence of a Wife

Ladies, pursuing "I want my spouse" means being androphobic—not fearing spiders (though step up, men!), but fearing your husband. Andros means husband in Greek; phobic means fear—reverence, honor, esteem, as in Scripture's phobos.

1 Peter 3:5-6
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Don't fear the frightening (spiders, grizzlies); fear the Lord—and your husband as Christ. Not terror, but fixed attention exalting him so highly you disregard lesser fears. Your emotions ground in him—respect, reverence.

Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him "lord," yet theirs wasn't domineering. You're Sarah's child if you do good, not fearing the frightening, but honoring your husband. The degree you value and submit to him reflects your value of Christ.

Submission is esteeming him whether deserved, in every area—but not his sin. You admire his qualities, abilities, achievements; show concern for his feelings, wishes, desires, rights. You respect his pursuits, avoid harming or interfering, desiring his success. You're God's antidote to his insufficiency, helping him thrive.

The secret to harming a husband: be discouraging, critical, negative. A woman who never says anything negative about him gets it.