How James Solves Conflict (Part 1 of 2)

The Source of Conflict

James chapter 4 asks, What causes quarrels and fights among you? Is it not this that your passions are at war within you? The purpose of this question is to give us insight into how to deal effectively with conflict in relationships.

What causes quarrels and fights among you? Is it not this that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. (James 4:1-3)

James assumes conflicts will happen, just as trials are inevitable. The key is understanding the cause so you can address it properly. This is crucial for all relationships—romantic, family, friendships, church, work, or school.

Sin makes a mess. When two sinners come together, especially in romance, conflict arises. Without tools to resolve it, relationships suffer. Unresolved conflict creates a snowball effect: one negative reaction incites another, spiraling into mutual sin.

Conflict in Romantic Relationships

Most marriage and dating counseling centers on unresolved conflict. Many Christian romantic relationships end not because of irreconcilable differences, but due to a lack of desire or ability to resolve conflict. People expect relationships to "magically work" like a Deus ex machina. When conflict hits, they assume it's not meant to be and move on, repeating the cycle.

Here's the surprise: in unresolved conflict, you are the problem. Without resolution, tension, bitterness, and animosity linger, defiling others like leaven in the lump or a root of bitterness springing up.

Worldly Passions as the Root Cause

James diagnoses the problem: your passions war within you. These are sinful cravings for pleasure—worldly delights that clash with the Holy Spirit God has placed in us.

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:4-6)

Compare your life to the world's and pursue the opposite. These passions create conflict because you expect to get pleasure from relationships rather than give. It's an entitlement mentality: "Please me; I'm the god of my throne."

In relationships, this manifests as unmet worldly expectations. He’s not doing what I defined; she’s not meeting my standards. Friendships falter the same way. Friendship with the world—people or principles—is enmity with God.

Sowing Peace Instead of Reaping Pleasure

Instead, ask: What can I pour into this relationship to bless, edify, and encourage godliness? James says there’s a harvest of righteousness sown in peace by those who make peace. Are you sowing peace or showing up to reap without working?

In romance, Ephesians 5 calls husbands to pour the Word of God into their wives, even in conflict. Worldly passions demand revenge: "You owe me." But only one Lawgiver and Judge can save or destroy—who are you to judge?

Murder, Coveting, and Wrong Asking

James escalates: You desire and do not have, so you murder. Drawing from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, anger and unresolved offenses equal murder.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder.’ ... But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment ... If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:21-24)

All unresolved conflict is murder. You covet what you can’t obtain, so you fight. You don’t have because you don’t ask—or you ask wrongly, to spend on your passions. It’s a childish tantrum: "I want my toy now."

Wrong Motives in Asking

Those running around asking each other for cash to buy the latest fad—say, a Darth Vader shirt—illustrate the problem. The passions reveal the core issue: I want something to fulfill the desires within me. If you're lustful and seeking a romantic relationship for selfish pleasure, you ask but don't receive because you're asking with wrong motives. You want to spend it on your passions.

In relationships, this means approaching them expecting to get something out of it—like money if you're greedy, or physical contact on demand. James says you're asking for the wrong thing. You're perceiving relationships wrongly, expecting selfish gain. Instead, pour peaceable things into relationships. Peace in Christianity always pertains to holiness—sowing peaceful concepts related to God.

Conflict's Deadly Fruits

Fights, murder, adultery happen in relationships—even if unmarried. Recall the Sermon on the Mount: lusting in the heart is adultery. Adultery reveals discontentment, wanting what you don't have when what you have should suffice. It's a contentment problem.

You can commit adultery in a non-marital romantic relationship by envying someone else's. Jumping from relationship to relationship stems from inner passions and comparison: "Why can't you be like that person?" Or coveting social status—someone else's popularity.

Being the most insignificant person in the youth group or church is one of the best places. Strive to be insignificant with the most significant message and God. Amen.

Adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?

The way you create and deal with conflict reveals your worldliness. It's misplaced joy and pleasure—not satisfied with what God has given. It's saying to God, "You are not wise in decreeing my life. I'm in the wrong place, relationships, friendships. You haven't done a good job."

Instead, worldly passions distract from God's sufficiency. If abandoned in a desert with nothing but God, would you be satisfied? Consider the 40 years in Exodus.

Dealing with Conflict Through Grace and Humility

Recognize the source: God gives a spirit of holiness and the Holy Spirit, who is jealous over us. He gives grace to deal with conflict. You won't resolve conflict or find victory over sin without believing grace does something—God's ability to perform effectively in you.

Stop seeing grace as something God gives you to do something. Recognize grace as God's ability working in you, so trust Him. Confidence in God's power comes to the humble.

Why no progress in relationships? Pride—and God opposing you. Humility means not debating to prove you're right, like amassing lawyers to shred the other.

In conflict, draw a pie chart: what percentage of sin are you contributing? Never 0%—that violates 1 John. As you grow in sanctification, your sin looks worse. Humility means quick to forgive and ask forgiveness. Now you're asking rightly, surrendering as judge or lawmaker. Submit to the Log Giver—God—and His requirements of love and forgiveness.

Submit to God, Resist the Devil

Submission to God means resisting Satan. Demonic faith believes in God but doesn't obey. Demonic wisdom relies on earthly wisdom without asking God. Resisting God means submitting to the devil.

Draw near to God by cleansing hands, purifying hearts—you double-minded sinners. Repent: change your mind about worldly passions. Be wretched, mourn, let laughter turn to sorrow. This flips worldly joy: be sad over worldly pleasures, cry over worldly laughter. Find joy in God.

Stop speaking evil against each other—the opposite of sowing peace. Speaking evil sows evil to reap.