Dating Foundations, Part 3: Dating Behavior (Part 1 of 2)

Reviewing the Foundation

As we have laid a foundation in our series on dating, we ask: what else do I need to know before pursuing a romantic relationship? We've defined romantic relationships biblically: a promise to marriage, engagement, and marriage itself. These are the relationships Scripture addresses.

The foundation includes:

• The glory of God as the Christian's sole motivation in life, including romantic relationships. As Paul says in this epistle, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Dating must be an instrument for God's glory, not temporary satisfaction.
• Parents' input is crucial. Disobedience to parents turns dating into an instrument of sin rather than glory.
• A proper understanding of one's body and purity before entering any romantic relationship—what we've called "wife sexuality" for men and "husband sexuality" for women.

Don't pursue dating for fleeting happiness, which brings heartache and avoids God's design. With this foundation, tonight we address how to behave in such a relationship.

The Context of 1 Corinthians 7: Purity in Unmarried Relationships

Paul addresses unmarried people and widows, focusing on relationships where sexual temptation exists—precisely the dating context between one man and one woman.

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Now as a concession, not a command, I say this: I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:1–9, ESV)

This continues the theme of purity. Sexual sin uniquely defiles the body, the temple of the Holy Spirit. Every other sin is outside the body, but sexual sin unites you with another in a way reserved for the Lord. It's a pinnacle offense to God—unrepentant sexual sin reveals a lack of genuine salvation.

Paul shifts from vertical effects (on God) to horizontal (between people). Verse 1 states it's good for a man not to touch a woman intimately. The Greek word haptō means to kindle a fire, to ignite passion—the physical touch that arouses.

This isn't about non-sexual affection like a holy kiss (mentioned four times in the New Testament). It's about not touching as husband and wife do, not turning each other on. In dating, "testing the waters" or fooling around ignites fire—Paul says don't do it. Keep the waters still.

The Severity of Igniting Passion

Just as sexual sin spiritually chops up Christ (1 Corinthians 6), physically igniting passion in a romantic relationship is like tying a brother or sister in Christ to a stake and setting them ablaze. Men, this is a daughter of God; women, this is a son purchased by Christ's blood.

Men, where are the protectors, leaders like young Spurgeon or Calvin? Reject the sitcom fool—embrace biblical manhood. Protect sisters as opportunities for leadership, not pleasure. Women, make necessary adjustments.

Good Relationships and Self-Control

Not all is doom: Paul affirms good relationships exist without intimate touch. Crucial for dating is self-control—the opposite of self-indulgence, grabbing for personal gain.

If self-control lacks in an intimate relationship, it's better to marry than burn (v. 9). But context matters:

Now concerning virgins, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. (1 Corinthians 7:25–28, ESV)

Paul isn't commanding against marriage but warns of worldly troubles, especially if the foundation is sin—like fornication or living together. Sinful habits don't vanish in marriage; they multiply troubles. Two sinners make a mess, but repentant Christians grow in holiness.

Marrying without self-control or repentance imports sin into the lifelong commitment, breeding anxiety (vv. 32–35). Examine the foundation carefully.

Understanding the Potential to Be Set on Fire

Before launching into dating, recognize that a potential exists to be set on fire. Understand what Paul means in 1 Corinthians 7: if you enter a relationship, there's potential to ignite passion in yourself and the other person. This is what Song of Solomon warns against.

Song of Solomon 2:7
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles or the does of the field,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.

Verse 6 describes Solomon's physical intimacy with his wife. This love, if awakened before marriage, sets people on fire. Purity gives a monumental advantage by not stirring it. You were created sexual, but that sexuality starts dormant. Pursuing a relationship by poking at arousal awakens it, uniting God's design with sin. You can't repent of being heterosexual—that's how God created you, rejecting the lie of homosexuality. But through repentance and the gospel, it can go back to sleep, restoring self-control and dormancy.

Don't think you can enter dating without being turned on, even if you feel above it. Don't overestimate yourself, not even like the Apostle Paul. Pride sets you up for failure.

1 Corinthians 10:12
Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.

The most dangerous people for sin are those who think they can avoid it.

Examining Your Walk with the Lord

Before dating, examine your devotion to the Lord. Check for disobedience to parents, uncontrolled sins like lying, drinking, or anger. If someone lacks self-control in one area, it permeates all areas. Do they respond to criticism with antagonism? Is there ignorance of God's Word—not just reading, but understanding and applying it? People not devoted to the Lord ignore His words.

Assess understanding of sexual intimacy and body purpose. Do they dress provocatively—men or women? "Sexy" means advertising availability for sex. It shows in actions, flirting, crude speech. James 3 reveals that controlling the tongue shows control over the whole body.

Recognize approval of homosexuality or flippant love as a sign of lacking devotion. Even heterosexuals with the right gender shouldn't marry without readiness. Devotion to the Lord means devotion to His teaching.

Matthew 19:4-5
[Jesus said,] "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?"

Zooming Out: Examine Worldliness

Examine idols in your life. Are you or a potential partner idolatrous? Would your world end without them or some possession? Check for worldliness.

When in doubt, wait. If unsure of readiness, don't proceed. Marriage amid burning leads to avoidable problems and anxiety. Build foundations of godliness first.