Dating Attributes, Part 2 (Part 1 of 2)

Introduction: Glorifying God in Dating

If you're interested in dating, there are two key concepts to understand: who you should be looking for and who you should be before you start dating. Without these, you risk heartache or failing to glorify God. The glory of God must be our first concern in dating, just as in every area of life—schoolwork, occupation, or relationships. Dating is simply another way to glorify God.

The Bible outlines three romantic relationships: promised to marriage, engaged to marriage, and marriage. Outside marriage, physical intimacy must remain pure, with sexuality dormant. Any expression must be holy, like the "holy kiss" in the New Testament—non-sexual and appropriate with anyone.

Before praying for the right spouse, pray: "Lord, make me the right spouse." Last week we looked at qualities for women; tonight, we focus on men.

Agreement: Amos 3:3

Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

Two cannot walk together unless agreed in beliefs, philosophies, and goals. This applies to friendships, work, business—any relationship. Without agreement, it fails to glorify God.

Christ-Likeness: The Ultimate Measure

Manliness is tied to Christ-likeness, not age. Christ is the second Adam who succeeded where the first failed. Your readiness for marriage is measured by how much like Christ the husband you are. For women, it's measured by submission like Christ's to the Father—equal in essence yet willingly submissive.

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

(Galatians 2:20)

Live by what Jesus did, not vague "What would Jesus do?"

Attributes for Men (and What Women Should Look For)

Prayerful Men: 1 Timothy 2:8

I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.

Men should pray everywhere—in restaurants, movie theaters, home—maintaining open communication with God. Prayer applies Scripture thoughtfully to life. For example, Scripture commands provision; praying for a job while playing video games all day isn't applying it—it's stupidity.

Holy hands mean holy behavior: no anger or quarreling. Men who consistently argue or get angry aren't ready for relationships or leadership. This isn't defending the faith but rebelling against authority, like quarreling with parents or bosses over dress codes.

Understanding and Honorable: 1 Peter 3:7

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Live with your wife understandingly, honoring her as the weaker—but priceless—vessel, like fragile ancient treasures of immeasurable value. Show extreme patience, refusing anger no matter how she acts. No context justifies verbal or physical harm. If prayers are hindered, it's because you're failing here.

Ladies, avoid "missionary dating" thinking you'll change him—relationships amplify sin, making it worse.

Sacrificial Love: Ephesians 5:25-33

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Love your wife as Christ loved the church: give yourself up for her sanctification. Prioritize her spirituality, make her feel loved. Love means warm regard, giving her full access to your life—emotional, spiritual, intimate. Treat her as your own body: nourish, cherish, never neglect. Shift self-care to her.

Men struggle with love; women with respect. But sacrificial love transforms.

Sacrificial Love Like Christ

You give up yourself for her. You become so concerned about her spirituality, her sanctification, her provision. She has food, clothes, running water. You're concerned about these things and willing to fight for her—not by sinning or breaking the law, but fighting for her provision the exact same way Christ went to the cross, even to death, to purchase his church from sin.

The one thing you should hear as a man is that entering a romantic relationship leading to marriage is one of the most profoundly responsible things you could ever do. That's why it takes a man—somebody like Christ, who perfectly gave himself to purchase his bride without blemish. You need to become like him to fulfill this.

Marriage as a Display of the Gospel

Verse 32 shows there's no other way to have a marriage. Marriage is only supposed to be a physical, visible display of the gospel. There's no other relationship like it—no fairy tales, no "happily ever after" just because you met someone nice. It's all about the gospel.

When quoting the most quoted verse at weddings, verse 31, Paul says this is profound—a mystery communicating something that cannot be communicated any other way. He explains: it is about Christ and the church. Therefore, you have to follow these commandments, or you are failing in your marriage.

Though you're not married yet, these are the qualities you need to strive for now as a foundation. This is what you're looking for, because a romantic relationship has the specific purpose of becoming this.

Leadership as Humility and Service

There's no doubt about the kind of leadership a man will have. It's the same as when Jesus washed his disciples' feet—it had everything to do with the gospel. He wasn't just concerned about their feet; he physically displayed what he would do spiritually: wash them clean. He did so in one of the lowest acts of humility—a king stooping to wash feet.

That's leadership: humility, servitude, sacrifice—everything to be like Christ for her and her only. You can be humble and serve in any ministry, but you'll be extra special in these categories for your wife. She needs to know she's number one, special because you're concerned about her sanctification first.

Testing Maturity in Relationships

Men, examine your maturity. If you're quick to the physical in a relationship, you've failed and aren't ready. Ladies, if he's so concerned about holding your hand, hugging, kissing, or physical intimacy, you don't have a man. Even Christ hasn't consummated his relationship with his bride yet—that's an eternity future at the marriage feast in Revelation. He's waiting, and you need to be like him.

Any man immediately concerned about physical intimacy over your sanctification isn't mature enough to be like Christ. He's seeking his own affection and pleasure. Instead, a mature man demonstrates concern for you, valuing your holiness and purity above all.

Remember 1 Peter 3:7—he values you, not as an object of physical pleasure, but as an opportunity to teach, spread spiritual knowledge, and benefit you spiritually. He's protective—not just from guys at the bar (and you shouldn't be at bars), but protective of your purity, value, and role as a vessel. Men, that's what you do: protect her in those ways.

Practical Questions for Dating

Men, when looking for the qualities from last week: Is she someone you can spiritually invest in? In friendship, does she demonstrate the qualities from Amos 3:3? Does she share your beliefs, willingly open to your spiritual investment, or does she want to lead you spiritually? That's dangerous. Do you share the same goals—if you want to pastor or serve in church, does she want to follow?

Ladies, consider the same qualities. Ultimately, simplify it: understand the gospel, live it in your life first. Holiness is the greatest asset to a romantic relationship and marriage. Grow in holiness and sanctification to be a better spouse.

Ask yourself: Do you understand your biblical role? Women, you have no biblical reason to submit in dating—you should still look to your dad's headship. But understand your role so you're ready for marriage. If not ready, there's a process before relationships.

Men, understand a wife's role. Women, understand a man's role. Trust and rely completely on God to make you the spouse your future spouse needs. As you seek Scripture's picture of a Christian, God will apply it. It's an issue of trust.

Once you have these concepts, review them repeatedly to understand your role, how to engage romantically now, and with God's glory first, pray diligently and see what happens.