Dating Attributes (Part 1 of 2)

Reviewing Foundational Principles

As we conclude our series on dating, remember the foundational principles we've covered. Everything we do as Christians is for the glory of God, including romantic relationships that lead to marriage. Obedience to parents is crucial—if you're under their headship and they advise against a relationship, take it seriously. Disobedience places you among the worst offenders.

The Bible addresses three kinds of romantic relationships: those promised to marriage, those engaged to marriage, and marriage itself. Purity is essential before, during, and after dating. Even in marriage, the marriage bed must remain undefiled.

My body, your body is for the Lord.

Keep sexuality dormant until marriage, expressing it only with your spouse. With these principles—glory of God, obedience to parents, and purity—understood, we now turn to essential qualities to possess and seek in a potential spouse.

Agreement in Beliefs and Goals

Start with Amos 3:3:

Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

Can two people walk in harmony if they don't know each other or agree on beliefs and philosophies? This applies even to politics or current events—differences lead to conflict. This echoes the New Testament command not to be unequally yoked, like oxen pulling in opposite directions.

Shared beliefs, philosophies, and goals are essential. Just claiming to be a Christian isn't enough—diverse beliefs exist among professing Christians, from Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses to Roman Catholics. We share no neutral ground with them; our beliefs differ fundamentally.

Consider goals: If you want to be a missionary but your potential spouse wants to stay home as an accountant, conflict arises. Attraction based on looks fades; minor disagreements may be workable, but know your non-negotiables—your "hills to die on." The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Ignoring this leads to struggles that dishonor God. Marriage isn't for personal happiness; it's for God's glory.

Qualities for Women to Possess and Men to Seek

Before praying for a spouse, pray God makes you a good spouse. Focus on both genders: Ladies, cultivate these qualities; men, seek them in a potential wife.

Consider 1 Timothy 2:9-12:

Likewise also that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.

This isn't banning nice clothes or braided hair—those were marks of prostitutes in the first century, advertising availability for sex. Don't dress to attract the wrong attention, especially in church. Dress to profess godliness. Your appearance reveals your heart and attracts based on character, not fleeting beauty.

Women have a God-given role: not to teach or exercise authority over men in the church. This isn't lesser—it's biblical order. Submission is God's design to free you to function at your fullest potential, supplying what man lacks. You're God's solution to man's incompleteness.

Women hold power to encourage or discourage men. Submission means seeking a man you can build up. There's a risk of deception (not a flaw, but why headship protects), freeing you to excel as a godly woman.

See Ephesians 5:22-24:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Submit as unto the Lord—your motivation is Christ, not your husband's perfection. Even if he fails (short of sin), submit to glorify God and represent the gospel. Don't blaspheme it through disrespect. Make every effort never to criticize your husband publicly or privately.

Evaluating a Potential Spouse

Assess emotional and spiritual maturity. Does he share your beliefs, like trinitarianism and the gospel? Same goals—missionary work, ministry roles, homemaking, activism, politics?

Does he reflect biblical husband qualities? Is he leader, provider, protector, meeting your needs? Leadership is meeting needs. Before marriage, no submission mandate, but observe: Does he take Christ and Scripture seriously? Is he motivated, not lazy? Patient, not easily angered?

In conflict, emotions flare—words cut deeper than sticks and stones. Seek a man who remains patient, handling disappointment well, so you can thrive as a godly woman under his headship.

Treating Her with Care in Vulnerability

You're getting into a relationship where you're fully opening your heart and life to someone. Your heart is open and laid bare. That's the essence of marriage—the highest level of intimacy, where you have nothing to hide, including your deepest emotions.

When you're struggling, crying out to your husband, but the wrong words or tone come out, your heart is exposed for him to take shots at. You need a man who won't pull the trigger. As we'll see next week in 1 Peter 3, is he someone who will treat you as a precious vessel, or someone who has no problem throwing you around?

In marriage counseling, I've told guys we understand relationships with other dudes. We're like footballs—we can throw each other around, kick, punch, spike, spin. But you can't bring that into marriage with your wife. She's an egg. Treat an egg like a football, and it breaks, creating a mess.

Look for someone who treats you the way you need to be treated, so you can be free to become what God wants you to be.